So much with managing Type 1 Diabetes has to do with confidence…
Confidence, bravery, strength, resilience and determination.
You need to be confident with every single decision you make – because quite literally – when dealing with T1D – a mistake can have life threatening consequences.
I feel like I have lost a bit of that confidence… T1D has beat me down this week.
D is making NO SENSE.. not that it ever really does..
But this week has been a roller coaster.
Perfect one day and then all hell broke loose.
No rhyme. No reason.
A combination of things are just wearing me down
- It’s the fact that my efforts at educating the public feels like it is falling on deaf ears
- It’s the fact that we are seeing and learning so many new things about Eden’s body
- It’s the fact that learning those things is adding stress to FIX them
- It’s the fact that Eden’s blood sugars have been wild and erratic and make NO SENSE
- It’s the fact that I’m trying my darndest to FIX them and I can’t
- It’s the fact that every now and then I have moments where I just want it to all GO AWAY but know that it won’t and that it will be in our lives FOREVER
I sat and watched Eden prepare her school lunch this morning..
something that she has been mostly doing herself for quite some time now.
I sat there and watched her get out the scale and weigh the food that she was planning on eating
I sat there and watched her check carb counts but not write them down
I sat there wondering if she was just going to “wing it” today or really care
I sat there wanting to nag her, remind her, bug her… but didn’t
Not only do I need the confidence, bravery, strength, resilience and determination to get through the day.
The thing is – she seems to HAVE these things – she gets up and fights another day without letting anything hold her back.
She has a confidence about her that is inspiring… she just gets on with it and moves forward.
- Eden doesn’t yet worry about her future
- She doesn’t let the “numbers” from her day affect her
- She doesn’t let T1D stress her out
I DO… I can’t help it..
It’s the mother – protector instinct within me.
It is strong, powerful and impossible to shake.
I get up and look BACK – I think about all of the blips in the road from days prior or the sleepless night I just had and think how I can FIX them. How I can make things BETTER. How I can limit her body from experiencing long term complications. How I can tweak insulin settings, adjust timing, help her body function the best it possibly can.
Yes – I look back – but SO I can look forward.
I want the absolute best for my daughter. I want her healthy and to have a bright future.
Every day seems to pose a new challenge –
a new issue that wasn’t there yesterday.
It is exhausting and so frustrating –
trying to FIX something that really can’t be FIXED..
I am doing the best I can trying to wrangle a disease that just does not want wrangling.
I need to try to not beat myself up.
I may have lost some confidence this week..
But the fact is – I will never give up..
I am determined.. Nothing is Impossible.