Blessing and a Curse

 

I know I’ve been less than great about writing lately…

It’s not that I’m not actually WRITING… It’s that I’m not actually PUBLISHING what I am writing…

 

I have found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place D wise

 

Although it is FABULOUS using all of this new fangled technology to help manage and monitor Eden’s Type 1 Diabetes – it is also slowly driving me CRAZY..

 

It is an amazing blessing – but I am finding

– quite possibly, also a curse.

 

D now has the ability to infiltrate every single minute of my day.. just by glancing down at my wrist – it’s there in my thoughts – in the forefront of my mind.

wondering, questioning, thinking, worrying – and I can’t get it out…

 

We are living such a fine, delicate balance right now between letting Eden manage things herself and her needing us to help her. Of course she doesn’t necessarily THINK she needs us to help her.. 

I have been writing (venting) for myself lately and not sharing my feelings with the world.

 

Although, that is no way to help and support others in the D community that are going through the same issues – I’m finding that it isn’t going to be helpful to our family to “air our dirty laundry” and all the specifics in an open forum.

 

I’m not perfect

Eden is not perfect

D-dad is not perfect

Type 1 Diabetes certainly isn’t perfect

 

We are all going to make mistakes – drop the ball – not do what we “should” do.

 

But I still find myself seeing the numbers and getting beyond frustrated – sometimes with Eden – sometimes with D and today – with myself. It is very difficult for me to not get all tensed up and feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall.

 

I have the sinking feeling

that we are getting absolutely nowhere –

taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back.

 

  • I’m frustrated that I am LETTING D take up so much of my time and energy, but I can’t seem to help it.
  • I’m frustrated that some of the first things out of my mouth when I see Eden are D related.
  • I’m frustrated that we have all this technology but the issues are still here

 

technology and insulin are NOT A CURE – they are bandaids

bandaids covering wounds 

not necessarily physical wounds – although Eden has plenty of those 

They are bandaids to my wounds of fear, anguish and heartache. 

Wounds that get ripped open again and again on a daily basis while riding this stupid D roller coaster.

 

I’m pretty sure that all parents at some point in time wonder if they are screwing up – doing things right to give their kids the best possible start in life. When your child has an incurable disease (which can kill them) that you are trying to teach them to manage – those feelings are amplified.

 

  • I just want the best for Eden
  • I just want the best for her long term future
  • I just want the best for her immediate – in the moment – teen demands
  • I just want her to care, respect and understand enough about her disease to WANT to do her best to manage it. 

 

Although I feel the immense need to know she is OK – know that she is doing what needs doing and not in any danger. It is also painfully obvious that I really have absolutely no control – that Eden is going to do what she does until she is ready to do more. The more I push – the more she is going to pull away.

I need to let go – I need to find something else to fill my every thought because I am driving myself crazy and doing neither of us any good.

I’m not quite sure how to do that… but I need to figure it out fast

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2 thoughts on “Blessing and a Curse

  1. Experiencing similar things here. I understand your feelings. Raising pre-teens is tough enough. Now we’ve got a disease to control too. I’m no where near as dedicated as you when it comes to my d-blog. I can’t do it. It’s too hard for me. I am putting my energy into my other blog and trying hard to let Ian just be Ian, while keeping quiet watch on him. Hang in there!

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